Treatment Truths Take-Two: Week 4
February 13, 2014
I'm so glad it's Monday!!! We have a group with Ms. Freeman right after Opening. Perfect start. Ms. Freeman's group was excellent. We talked about triggers. I don't think I'll ever stop being amazed at the commonalities we share with others struggling with an eating disorder. We could all relate to everything being said.
Triggers are memories or people that set off an intense emotional reaction within us. They're usually related to past hurts. Once triggered, we experience a range of emotions. The emotions cause us to act out in less than productive ways.
Why do we get triggered emotionally? Triggers are core emotions of fear and shame. They are an inability to access and process those fearful and shameful experiences. Triggers are related to unresolved, past wounds about which we're still upset on some level. They are not really about the present situation, event, or person. Rather, the present becomes the reminder. We can control our triggers by learning to recognize times when we feel triggered. In those times, we can allow ourselves to feel the emotions but not become stuck. We also have to be careful not to stuff those emotions. We become stuck if we don't go back and resolve past wounds. We continue to behave in active and passive states.
Examples of triggers for me are conflict, a messy kitchen, kids talking back, dating relationship conversations with older kids, loud rough-housing or joking around, someone sighing or shaking their head at me, weighing myself, rice cakes, reading labels on foods, and calories printed on menus.
February 14, 2017
I woke up at 5:30 AM this morning and could not go back to sleep. The anxiety and racing - actually more manic - thoughts were unstoppable. I tried to pray, but the thoughts kept coming and went to hopelessness, defeat, and absolute disgust with my body.
My sweet friend's words came to my mind. "Just tell Him." So I tried to tell him how I felt and how I wanted so badly to trust, but somehow I just couldn't. And I told Him I felt a disconnect in my relationship with Him. Like my prayers just weren't reaching Him.
I know what the Bible says, and I know in my head that God hears me. It just feels like there's something wrong. The visual in my head is like I can't look at Him and want to cover my head when He looks at me. Anyway, I tried to tell Him but couldn't get past my feelings. Then the manic thoughts returned with desperation, hopelessness, and guilt. I turned over in my bed just trying to put it all away, and I looked out the window.
The sun was beginning to rise, and the sky was absolutely BEAUTIFUL!! In my head, I heard a voice that seemed almost audible in the room. "Let the morning bring you word of my steadfast love." The pronouns were personalized when I heard it, and I knew He was speaking to me. I'm absolutely certain God brought that verse to my mind as I turned over. It gave me peace. He did hear my cries to Him. He loves me no matter where I am physically, spiritually, or emotionally. And I'm so very thankful for His reminder this morning.
Today is Valentine's Day. I love holidays. It breaks my heart to be away from family on a holiday. The staff and therapists have been really sweet and have tried to provide little touches throughout the day to make the holiday special. Each of our plates, bowls, and cups for each meal and snack are labeled with our initials on a piece of masking tape so there's no confusion as to whose belongs to whom (all of our meal plans differ). Today, they took time to add stickers, and draw hearts and arrows and other cute things on the masking tape. It's such a little thing, but I love thoughtful touches like that! I saved them in my journal.
One of the therapists, Ms. Grove, made a Valentine for me and wrote:
Happy Valentine's Day! I pray today that you truly know how loved, appreciated, and valued you are! How kind and caring you are to others and how inspiring you are to those around you! I pray today that you can take some of that love, compassion, kindness, and caring nature you so willingly and selflessly give and share with others and give to yourself today! You are worthy of so, so, so much love!
So, SO sweet! I saved that in my journal, too.
One of our groups today with Mrs. Connors was about loving others and yourself. The first part was super easy for me. We were asked to identify 8 people we love and tell why we love them. No problem. The second part was so hard. We were then asked to turn it around and write why the people we love return the love to us. That's kind of hard to do when you don't feel very lovable at the moment. But I tried my best.
8 PEOPLE I LOVE AND WHY
God: He is everything to me. He loves me despite my brokenness. He gave His life for me. He goes before me and reigns sovereignly over my life.
My husband: He loves me so selflessly. He is kind. He met me at one of my darkest moments and fell in love with me despite it all. He looks beyond my faults and loves me unconditionally - even through all of this. He sacrifices for me. He's a good father. He is a giver. He is compassionate. He is faithful to me. He makes me feel pretty. He treats me like a queen. He has a big heart. I could go on and on...
See #6
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My 4 children: They are gifts from God and an answer to my life-long prayer that I would get to be a mommy. From the first moment I saw each of them, my heart instantly felt like it would just burst with love. There's nothing they could ever do that would change my love for them. They're each so precious and special in their own ways.
My brother: Kind of like my children - I would love him no matter what he could ever do or not do. Our life experiences have endeared him to my heart in a special way, and I've always felt very protective of him. Almost like a mother hen. He is brave. He is determined. He is kind and supportive. He's lived through some pretty awful things.
My friend: She knows the ugliest parts of me but loves me anyway. She puts up with all of my mess - and it's a lot of mess. She sure doesn't have to, but she does anyway. She's always there when I need her. She never gives up on me. She is compassionate, encouraging, wise, patient, loving, caring, constant, funny, and faithful. She's amazing.
REASONS THESE 8 PEOPLE LOVE ME
God: I'm made in His image. He gave His life for me. When He looks at me, He sees Jesus because of His righteousness.
My husband: I'm caring and compassionate. I'm nurturing. I'm supportive of Him.
See #6
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My children: When they're young, I always want to snuggle with them, and they love that. I care for them. I try to make things special. I'm Mom.
My brother: We survived difficult life experiences together. I believe in him. I've supported him through the years.
My friend: I'm determined. We share the same sense of humor. I'm kind. I'm encouraging.
That second half was so difficult. It feels uncomfortable. I don't feel worthy of their love. But goodness, I'm thankful for it. I love them all so much.
Mrs. Connors said that my black and white mentality keeps me from being able to accept the reasons people love me. I'm not really sure what that means. What I am sure of is how grateful I am for these people and their love for me. I don't deserve it, but I'm so grateful.
February 15, 2017
We got a new resident yesterday. She is super sweet. She's having a really tough time adjusting, though. Totally understandable.
Last night, we sat out on the back porch, and I just listened to her talk about her struggle. I was immediately able to relate to her, because I remember all of those feelings all too well and most are still present now. I tried to share my story of God's faithfulness - how I still struggle but have seen God's hand in all of this. Even though it's still so very hard, I'm at least able to function. Those first days, I was having horrendous thoughts and cried all day long. But He continues to carry me.
I could see her beginning to see a bit of hope. She was smiling through her tears, and her eyes were bright. And it felt really good to be able to encourage her by sharing what Jesus had done for me. Like really good. My heart just longs for God to use my story to help others. My heart desperately wants to make a difference by walking alongside other women who are struggling with eating disorders and PTSD. I'm praying God opens doors and shows me ways in which I can do that.
In Ms. Daugette's individual session today, we talked about feeling present. I really struggle with this and have felt it for many years. When we push down or minimize negative emotions, we diminish our ability to fully experience positive emotions. Think about hoarders. Their home doesn't go one day from being spotless to the following day being eligible to be on the show. For years, they don't deal with the trash. They keep piling trash on top of trash. Those layers just weight it down. Eventually, the house is a total disaster. When I don't deal with the difficult emotions in my life, I'm shoving them down. Those layers start to add up, and before long, I have a huge mess. Eventually, they will affect every part of my life. It's like an extreme form of procrastination. I don't deal with the emotions. I push them down and don't think about them. But the emotions follow me around and subconsciously are churning in my mind, looming over me. They're still there. They're not going away. So whatever I'm trying to enjoy in the moment I can't fully experience, because the bad emotions I've stuffed down are lurking and distracting me. They have to be dealt with.
Ms. Musgrove led a group this afternoon about "breaking up" with ED. Part of the residential eating disorder treatment facility’s philosophy of working with eating disorders involves teaching their patients to look at the eating disorder as a separate person. While I don't agree with this concept, I understand the premise and participate in discussions around it. They want us to believe that we are not one and the same with the eating disorder. There is a healthy me inside. I haven't always felt like this. The eating disorder has just been too strong and has taken over. But that healthy me is still there and wants to be in control again. They want me to remember who that "person" is and separate that "person" from the eating disorder. The concept was also to help us separate our thoughts - Amie's thoughts vs. the eating disorder's thoughts. Or Amie's desires vs. the eating disorder's desires. They believe they're easier to distinguish and challenge that way. They actually ask us to name the eating disorder. I didn't do this for my first stay, but I've decided to do it this time, because I understand their point. So I named it Luci so they would stop asking me to name it. I didn't want the other "person" in me to be a boy, but I'm certain the eating disorder comes from the pit of hell. So I gave it the female version of Lucifer's name. I don't think I'll use it very much. It just feels weird.
So in group, we were asked to write our eating disorders a letter to break up with them. Shoot. I didn't think about situations like this. I failed. I guess I should have made my eating disorder a boy. Oh well!
Here's my letter to Luci.
Luci,
I am making choices several times each hour to challenge your constant thoughts and to separate myself from your destructive lies and behaviors. I am not interested in continuing any conversations with you. I am working hard to challenge my feelings of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. It's still hard for me to believe that I deserve anything, and there's shame even with entertaining the thought. But I'm not giving up.
I see my family moving through life's experiences quickly, and I want to move with them and enjoy every moment. I'm most definitely continuing to remind myself of healthy truths. I'm trusting the team and the process so that one day, your stronghold will permanently be released.
Short and sweet, but done. Trusting the process and understanding their point. But boy is it awkward.
February 16, 2017
This morning, doing weights and vitals, I clearly heard the scale click over to the 100 mark and the slide above it being moved. (We do blind weights.) It's the most miserable feeling. It's completely out of my control. My clothes are clinging tighter, my arms are getting flappier, my stomach is getting thicker, my thighs are getting rounder, and my face is getting puffier. I think my feet are even thicker. Why, why, WHY?? Why can't I just be OK with it?!?! Why can't I just accept it and move on? It would be so much easier. I really am trying to do that. But I'm paralyzed with fear. Oh Lord, please help me. It feels so impossible right now. And I'm afraid I just can't survive this.
My family session was good today. We talked about our assumed roles and how we each carry responsibilities for our actions in times of stress. It was helpful to be able to share how I'm affected by body language. It invokes such anxiety and shame in me. My husband shared that it's not helpful for me to apologize for being here every time we're on the phone or during visits. I will work on that.
I am SO MISERABLE in my body right now. Today is an all-time high level for anxiety, fear, and disgust. The stupid scale clicks in the morning are making me crazy. I really don't know if I can do this.
This afternoon, I learned some difficult things from home, and I'm so afraid and worried. The what-if's are out of control. I physically feel pain in my stomach from the emotions. Please God, don't let anything bad happen.
I wrote a letter to my sweet friend. I took pictures of it and texted it to her. I told her I felt bad for asking anything of her, but I'm trying to be better about asking for help. And I need help. I'm really struggling today with my weight increasing and seeing the changes to my body. It's making me panic. I'm telling God, I'm using Scripture to take every thought captive, but the terror and discomfort are reaching an all-time high, despite my efforts to do the right thing. I told her about hearing the scale clicks in the morning and how that affects me. It's all I can do to keep the tears back, and when I come to the table to eat, I usually can't keep them back. I hate my body.
I shared that I'm super worried for my husband. Because of all the stress he's facing at work and with caring for all the kids and keeping up the house, and everything else, he has Shingles. What in the world?! I also told her about the difficult information I learned today. I am worried sick. I can't get it off of my mind. I'm so afraid.
And this, on top of the anxiety and fear that's already there, feels like too much. I don't want to go under. I want to trust and keep pushing. I'm determined to beat this. I'm just completely overwhelmed right now.
So I asked her to pray. And to pray hard. And I thanked her for walking with me and not giving up on this very long and rocky road. She texted back to say that she was praying hard and wanted to help and other sweet things. Oh I'm so thankful for her!! And I know she will pray.
I got a package today from someone with whom I'm not very close. I don't know what I felt, but I didn't like the feeling at all. I think I'm going to ask them to put it away with my suitcases. I do feel really guilty feeling this way. I don't want to be ungrateful. I just don't want to see it.
February 17, 2017
God, you are SO GOOD! I KNOW my friend prayed last night, because I feel exactly what I asked her to pray about - a brief respite from at least some of the terror and anxiety within me. Thank you so much Lord for granting that. I feel like I can keep moving today. I'm doing my very best to completely cast my concern for what I heard last night completely on You.
I'm thankful for the schedule today. We get to finish the incredible group with Ms. Freeman that she started yesterday about the reasons we hold onto the eating disorder. What needs it fills. The reasons for each person differ.
And THEN, we have a group with Mrs. Daugette! Perfect schedule.
Joanne Dolhanty writes: Once the initial tasks of recovery from an eating disorder are undertaken – that is, when the process of normalizing eating, controlling symptoms and stabilizing weight is underway – it may feel as though some obstacle has lodged itself in the road ahead. The individual may feel that they know what they have to do, and yet feel confused, frustrated and discouraged by their inability to “just do it.”
Ummmm... yes.
Significant others and professional helpers may share their sense of frustration with this seeming stalemate in the recovery process. It can be helpful at this point to explore what it is that the individual would be giving up if they were to recover. In other words, the eating disorder has come to serve some purpose in their life. Letting go of the eating disorder may represent a significant loss, and the individual may fear that recovery will come at too high a price. If they can articulate what purpose the eating disorder is serving, what its “positive” aspects are, it will help them to move forward with their recovery.
Self-soothing - mostly applies to binge eating. Not a reason for me.
Social Reinforcement - Ms. Freeman said that on some level, this is a reason for everyone. When those around us are in fear for our lives, they respond with care and support. Those are things that most people with an eating disorder aren't used to feeling, because they've been self-sufficient. So it feels really, really good. We will likely end up fearing that the caring and support will be withdrawn if we recover. I don't think this is me, but if Ms. Freeman says this is a reason for everyone, I guess I have to give it consideration. She said the resolution for this is to learn to voice that I need to connect with another person. Maybe tell them that I need them to check in with me from time to time. That just feels weird...
Preservation of the Family Unit - I know for certain this is not a reason for me. The eating disorder does anything but preserve our family.
Safeguard Against Failure - I don't think this is true for me, either. This is when we're so afraid of failure that we use the eating disorder as a way to escape from life. I don't think I'm escaping from life. I already know I'm going to fail often. But you just keep trying.
Avoidance of Intimacy - Sometimes this is due to the effects of the illness. But it is often associated with a history of abuse. The eating disorder becomes a way of protecting us from contact and intimacy that represent vulnerability to harm. Anorexia returns the body to a prepubescent form.
Avoidance of Memories or Feelings - I'm sure this is a reason for me. The low weight itself keeps feelings and memories at bay by providing a "numb" feeling. Purging is a powerful distraction from other concerns. It's a way of purging feelings, relieving intense emotion, and giving your body what it "deserves" because the act is so uncomfortable. As a normal weight is restored, those feelings resurface. Sometimes memories and flashbacks occur. It all feels unmanageable. It's seems so much easier to feel numb.
Maintaining Control - The cycle of starvation helps control the body size. It makes you feel light, almost as if you just blend into the background. We fear that if we give up our eating disorder, our own needs and feelings, even hunger itself, will skyrocket out of control. Joanne Dolhanty wrote, "Having the eating disorder may feel like the only means of denying and thereby controlling their own bodily and emotional needs, which they abhor." Yikes. Yes. The eating disorder is also familiar, and to let go means going into uncharted territory. And that is so frightening.
Self-concept - I can't really relate to this one. The eating disorder does not give me a sense of pride, accomplishment, self esteem, or feeling special and unique.
So what does one do? We need to understand that the eating disorder has been a means of coping, but it doesn't resolve the issues. They're still there. And that means of coping comes at the high price of failed health, inability to live life, and ultimately death. We need to learn to articulate our needs and find a new means of filling those needs.
In Mrs. Daugette's group, we talked about surrendering. My friend and I have talked a lot about what that really means. She's been challenging me to fully surrender. Here are some takeaways from Mrs. Daugette's group.
Surrender is moving into the unknown.
Surrender is being vulnerable.
Surrender is accepting what my wise mind and the minds of my team see as truth versus what I feel.
I need to be aware of the times when my heart is not matching what makes perfect sense. That's likely a feeling and cannot be trusted.
We need to more accurately describe feelings about being thin, etc. Example: It's not really more comfortable to be that thin. It's painful and you feel awful. And it's not helpful to say things like that.
There's not a manual for surrendering the eating disorder. It just has to be something you do. You feel that dissonance and live with it and ignore the voice that's trying to kill you.
Raccoon analogy: A raccoon is in the woods looking for food. He stumbles upon a hallow log and sees something inside he wants. He reaches down in it to grab it, but it's too big to get through the opening. He can't get his hand out because he's holding onto what's in the log. The raccoon has to decide. Does he want what's in the log more than he wants his family and food? To choose to hold onto what's in the log is to stay there and die, alone. I'm holding onto what's in the log. It's keeping me from my family and everyone I love. Do I hold on or let go (surrender)?
Analogy of the fence: There's a white picket fence dividing my family from a property that looks so calming and comfortable. I want both. Unfortunately, you can't have both. You can't be with family when you stay with what's enticing you to return to comfort and security. You can't be in that enticing area and still have your family. And when you sit on the fence, you remain stuck. And you really can't have either. You must choose.
Make something tangible that you can pick up and put down to represent surrendering. (My friend actually suggested I do this, so I already have a little box that says "Surrender" on it.)
February 18, 2017
I had such a wonderful afternoon with my amazing family! We went to Carrabba's to celebrate my oldest son's birthday And I was scared to death to eat there, but I did and survived. Then we went to Books-A-Million so I could read some books to the younger two. And they all got a couple of things. We ended our time with a stop at Baskin' Robbins for the kids to get ice cream.
I just wanted time to freeze so I could just look at them and soak every bit of them in. Oh my goodness, I love them so much!!! And miss them beyond words.
The only difficult part of this visit was when my husband told me he needed to talk to me about the budget for our daughter's formal dress for High School Formal at church. My friend was going to take her shopping. I tried hard to keep a straight face, but it felt like someone hit me hard in the stomach. And the tears stung my eyes. I think I concealed it, though. This was her very first formal, and I was going to miss shopping with her for her dress and maybe the event, too. For the last three years, she's been reminding me how many more years/months till we would be shopping for her dress. I think this hurts more than missing birthdays. Oh my gosh, my heart hurts so much. I'm not jealous or upset that my sweet friend is taking her in any way. I'm extremely grateful that she is willing to take the time to take her!! I guess it's selfish, but I wanted to be the one. I'd looked forward to it for years, too. And I feel like I'm failing her in yet another way. It's breaking my heart.
When I sat down at dinner tonight, I just cried. I have a picture of my family on my placemat for motivation to keep choosing life and to eat the food. Their sweet faces staring up at me were so beautiful. Oh how I miss them already. I'm so, so homesick.
February 19, 2017
We went to church this morning, and we were surprised to hear that Pastor Pamela would be bringing the message. I tried hard to keep an open mind. It's the Bible. Surely I would get something out of it. We're studying the Beatitudes. She was preaching from Matthew 5:5, blessed are the humble. I wrote two notes - the Beatitudes are declarations of God's grace without pride (not sure I totally get that) and our attitudes and behaviors reflect what's deep down in us. Sometimes we need to get them in check. Agree with that.
I've been working all day on Mrs. Gamin's assignment to reprocess some of the difficult things in my past. My memory is acting bizarre. I'll remember something and then go to write it down, but then have a completely blank mind. I would expect this to happen a few times throughout, but it's happening pretty regularly. I don't understand it. And it's super frustrating.I'm still extremely homesick. And I'm still brokenhearted that I can't take Hannah shopping for her first formal dress. And I feel absolutely disgusting. I just want to go to bed.Thank God tomorrow is Monday. I pray it's a really good one.