The Darkest Quarter
I spent October 13, 2016 - January 22, 2017 at home. While in treatment, I had beautiful dreams of being home with my family and friends and returning to ministry. What an amazing new life would lie before me! It was all going to be wonderful again.
But what slapped me in the face even from Day 1 at home was far from what I'd dreamed. I was so happy to see my family. So happy. But I was quickly and completely overwhelmed, right from the very beginning.
In those early weeks, I tried to shut out the world, thinking that would help. That was one of the worst things I could have done, and I'm sure it hurt those who know me best and love me most. I journaled only a few times during those months. They really would not be appropriate to even include in this blog. They were without a doubt the darkest days of my life.
I altered my meal plan. I most definitely was not going to continue on the weight restoration plan. I cried about everything. We were building a home and had to move into three different rentals during those three months because of all the building delays.
Restriction took over pretty quickly. I felt that I had to remove some of those last pounds I'd gained in treatment. And you guessed it. Before I knew it, extreme restriction was the only way I knew to live again.
Eating disorder behaviors worsened. I was beyond sad all of the time. I felt hopeless. Returning to behaviors and deep depression wreaked havoc in every area of my life. My husband was scared to death, and our marriage greatly struggled. My older children shared in that fear. My younger children wondered why I cried so much. The tension was so thick in our home. I worried my friends. I couldn't fully concentrate at work. People whom I didn't even know asked if everything was OK. I felt like a failure in every area of my life. As a mom. As a wife. As a friend. As a leader Even as a child of God. I'd even failed treatment, for crying out loud. Those feelings of failure took me to an even darker place where I questioned my very existence.
I was so lost and on a quick, downward spiral into full relapse. In early January, I was in the emergency room twice for health concerns directly related to the eating disorder. My weight reached an all-time low. My blood pressure was dangerously low. My head hurt all the time. I was beyond exhausted all day, every day. I was dizzy and blacked out multiple times a day. I remember standing up after a session with my therapist when everything went completely black and my entire body tingled. I clearly recall thinking "I'm going to pass out." But I couldn't let him know I felt like that. Usually everything went dark and fuzzy and my fingers tingled. But now everything tingled, and I couldn't see anything. I didn't even know if I could walk. I remember coaching myself through. The door is straight ahead, slightly to the right. Walk. Do NOT pass out. Put one foot in front of the other. Breathe.You're OK. As I reached the door, my vision was returning with blurriness. I was able to get out the door and stand against the wall for a minute. Thank goodness - I had not passed out, and no one was aware it happened. My vision was getting clearer. I made it. I learned to manage those times very well until the feeling passed. Each blackout seemed to last longer and longer. I could hardly change positions without the room spinning. I never told anyone. I was already enough of a burden.
I was so, so, so sad. I hated myself. It seemed there was no way out. I was going to die. And in my extreme state of depression, I'm sad and embarrassed to say I was OK with that. I truly believed everyone would be better off in the long run without me.
To look back on those few months is so painful. Such dark, dark days. But God is always faithful. Always. In Treatment Truths, Take-Two: Week 1, I share about the intervention He planned that brought me back to residential treatment. And this time, I was all in.